Out of sync

I decided to stay in Cape Verde for the week instead of going home early. I wrote a nice big list of pros and cons (don't we love those) for staying or going home and, ultimately, I realised I wouldn't necessarily be much happier at home and I'd still be doing very little so if…

Unresolved

Please don't ask me to talk about my eating disorder if you're going to end the conversation as soon as I tell you what's going on. Please don't ask me to open up when I say I don't want to, but you decide I should, and then leave me with these thoughts festering in my brain.…

Restless Rest

I had a week off work last week for no reason other than I had holiday to use and figured that back in March, a random week off in June would work well. I struggled that week more than I ever thought I would. Between all the hospital appointments I had scheduled and the inevitable…

A Beautiful Paradox

  She was broken but never hopeless. Alone but never lonely. Her eyes reflected pain but projected courage. She was a beautiful paradox I really like that quote and feel like I can massively relate to it. It always feels weird to have people say things to me like, 'I love how confident you are, you…

Heartache, Heartbreak

I just feel so lonely, struggling to pick myself up. These past two months have been hell and I've never had to cope with so many different yet equally hard situations. And its as if there isn't anyone there. I feel like I'm struggling to get through this and I don't know how to make…

Letting go

I admit I've made some massive mistakes the past 7 days but I know I wasn't fully to blame. I'm ready to let it all go. I'm ready to make sure I am never that person who got into such a vulnerable position ever again. Hating myself won't work. Only when I love myself truly…

Stillness

Standing still but my mind won't stop spinning. I don't want to hurt like this and I don't know what's going to make it stop. I can't decide which path to take and I know I'm hurting him. I can't hurt him. I don't want to break his heart and its breaking mine. I need…

Be mine

I feel terrible saying this because of what happened last week. I tried to talk about it but it was still too raw, and he felt I was justifying what happened. I do understand that. But I want to go out. I want my boyfriend to come with me. To be proud to come out…

A Little Birdie Told Me…

On my first race day at the UCI para cycling road World Cup, I woke up to a little birdie tweeting. It told me I was disgusting. It said I was a cheat. It said I was going to fail. It told me I was a crap swimmer, a crap cyclist, and a joke to…