Special

Accepting I'm no longer as special as I used to be

Raw

They wanted to weigh me and I hadn't anticipated that. They sat me down and oh so casually said they needed my weight I haven't seen my weight for more than two months and the instant panic made it impossible to speak, I could have told them I didn't want to see it, or that…

A Little Birdie Told Me…

On my first race day at the UCI para cycling road World Cup, I woke up to a little birdie tweeting. It told me I was disgusting. It said I was a cheat. It said I was going to fail. It told me I was a crap swimmer, a crap cyclist, and a joke to…

The Decision I Never Wanted to Make

I think its time to break away from the sport that's been part of my life for almost 21 years. I was 2 when I was first introduced to the swimming pool and I simply never left. Swimming isn't something I do, it's actually a part of me, a part of my life, my life…

Sorry

"She said sorry too often. She apologised for apologising too much. She said sorry like it was a greeting. She apologised for everything that went wrong, because she labelled herself a disaster. She was sorry for not being good enough, because no one ever told her she was good enough. No one ever told her…

Whats another crack when you’re already broken?

I've never felt so weak, so confused, so unhappy, so broken. I've never been this down. I've never felt as if I have absolutely nothing left until now. When I relapsed in January I was convinced with the help of my friends I'd get better but now we're almost at the end of May and…

Countdown

You've not eaten all day. You need to eat. And then it begins. It starts with a question of 'why?' Why did I eat? Why could I not have been stronger? And then the fear kicks in. The fear of being fat. The fear of being ugly. The fear of becoming that unwanted fat and ugly…

Brave

So, that girl made it to the law ball after all. I knew I wanted to go, wanting to go wasn't the issue. I wanted to go and have a great time with my friends and I didn't doubt for a second that I wouldn't enjoy my time with them. But it's so difficult to ignore that…

The Ex-Almost

It wasn't really anything. You couldn't truly call it something. It didn't amount to much. Neither of them did. He was never realistically going to be your boyfriend. You weren't truly dating. It didn't amount to a fling. But I still felt something. I still fell for that guy the guy that was never going to be.…

The (Internal) Stigma

If you asked me to describe myself in several words I would probably say something along the lines of, small, loud, crazy, fun-loving, always laughing, confident, and happy. Mainly, because, for the most-part those words are genuinely a true description of me. But that's how I would describe myself to you. If I were to…