A Touch of Rain

30 April

I can confirm the days of recovery get better but I sometimes wonder just how better I am.

Although the unhealthy physical habits of bingeing, purging, over-exercising, restriction etc. are gone the mental side can scream so loud.

I want to enjoy food the way most people do. To experience meals without the cries of whether or not I’ve eaten too much that day, if I’ve been active enough, if it’s on the meal plan and so on but I can never forget the age old question of “will I gain weight?”.

There are days I’m quite relaxed but also days where the numbers are all I can think about.

I don’t track, never even looking at calories. I don’t weigh myself at all but my brain still gets preoccupied with making sure I don’t “eat too much”.

Physically, my body is in the best shape it’s ever been and not just because of surgery to remove my scar. I’ve healthily changed my body composition by eating regularly, enjoying more carbs and, believe it or not, exercising less intensively than I used to. To be honest, it changed when I tried the least to change it…isn’t that funny?

And I love how strong my body looks.

But that brings my biggest challenge – I love how I am right now so I am terrified of that body becoming bigger.

Why am I so terrified of getting that little bit bigger? Will being bigger lower my worth? Will being bigger make me unhappy?

You know what does make me unhappy?

Being scared of certain meals. Panic attacks when I go slightly off that day’s plans. Over-evaluating whether or not I should have alcohol. To-ing and fro-ing from the kitchen cupboards, wanting a snack and telling myself I shouldn’t have one. Not being able to fully relax at restaurants. Becoming stressed when impromptu food plans are suggested. Dreading holidays because I’m scared of my body changing. Generally refusing to let myself eat what I really want to eat for fear of people thinking I’m greedy.

It’s exhausting.

In recovery I realised it’s the indecision that triggers all this. The constant back and forth argument in my mind. So I’m in the process of working to make a decision and stick to it remembering why I made that decision in the first place – whether it’s because I saw that ice cream on Instagram and really wanted to try it or because my period is about to start and I’m fancy some chocolate. It works the other way too, if I don’t fancy my designated snack that day because I’m not hungry I’ll put it away and move on, if my friends suggest some wine and I don’t want to I’ll say that instantly and move on.

Less humming and harring and more confidence in my choices.

That’s the goal for now.

Len x

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