Unresolved

Please don't ask me to talk about my eating disorder if you're going to end the conversation as soon as I tell you what's going on. Please don't ask me to open up when I say I don't want to, but you decide I should, and then leave me with these thoughts festering in my brain.…

Restless Rest

I had a week off work last week for no reason other than I had holiday to use and figured that back in March, a random week off in June would work well. I struggled that week more than I ever thought I would. Between all the hospital appointments I had scheduled and the inevitable…

Nightmare Realities

The illness crept up on me full force when I was reminded over an awful night that happened almost a year ago...wow, it's almost a year ago now...one year...12 months...52 weeks...365 days ago. Can I even call it an anniversary? Surely that day doesn't deserve to have an anniversary? Nevertheless, the date is fast approaching and I can…

Raw

Hands tense, gripping what they can. Trying to stand tall but everything is crumbling. Heavier weights to try numb the even heavier pain. But it's falling away. It's being ripped away. It hurts. Oh it god damn hurts. The pounding starts. The voices come running. Whispers turn into screams. Walls back up but still spiralling downwards.…

Wise Words

Words are powerful. They can crush a heart or heal it. They can shame a soul or liberate it. They can shatter dreams or energise them. They can obstruct connection or invite it. They can create defences or melt them. We have to use words wisely.  My motivation to write can come from a variety of sources…

Mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you

This has been one hell of a horrific week, physically and mentally. I didn't even realise today was friday, I've been that lost all week. I was going out last night and could see how tired I still looked under that make up (and an instagram filter!). I can see there's a lack of my…

Pain demands to be felt

I don't quite know how I've ended up back here. Back at the bottom of the pit with the demon's claws digging tighter than ever. The pain I'm feeling lately is excruciating and I don't even remember how it got so bad. I did so well towards the end of summer but at the end…

Worthless

I feel as if I'm in a constant state of numbness. Nothing is getting me out of this rut I'm in and so many thoughts are running through my head. It's starting to get clearer but that doesn't mean the pain goes away, in fact, it makes it hurt more. He tried to convince me…

Brain = 1, Heart = 0

I should have listened to my brain instead of following my heart. It was right, it's always right. I'll be okay, deep down I knew it was coming and I know it was right. My brain knows but my heart aches. It was a nice visit nonetheless and being friendly is fine with me and…

Heartache, Heartbreak

I just feel so lonely, struggling to pick myself up. These past two months have been hell and I've never had to cope with so many different yet equally hard situations. And its as if there isn't anyone there. I feel like I'm struggling to get through this and I don't know how to make…