Just Because

Just because you see the smile doesn't mean there isn't anything hurting behind my eyes. Just because you see the food being eaten doesn't mean there isn't any fear behind every mouthful that I swallow. I'm not pretending to be okay. I'm fighting to be okay. And each day is getting better...I think so, anyway. In fact,…

Knowing a Feeling 

I learnt the hard way to not get my hopes up. Always let down, always dropped, always left a little bit more broken than before. Family, friends, coaches, GB team staff and, of course - boys, would remind me why I was 'stupid to think that this time would be any different.' So yes, I learnt…

Welcome Home

I've had this blank page staring back at me the past few days. Want to write, know that I do, but about what? I don't know. I just don't know. My head is spinning with a thousand questions, so much so I won't allow myself to even take a step back and appreciate how well…

Eleven Days

It's been eleven days since you broke up with me for approximately 30 minutes. Eleven days since you spent an entire day changing your mind and messing with mine in the process. Eleven days since you planted the worlds biggest mind fuck into my head and not a single day out of those eleven has…

Raindrops

The rain was so heavy last night. It just endlessly poured and poured. It drenched me through, past skin and bones but I wasn't ready to go home. The voice at the other end of the phone cracked a feeble excuse of 'hello'. I could hear her tears begin to fall before I could say my…

Hello

I have a weekly face time catch up with a best friend of mine. A best friend I’ve actually only known two years, a best friend who’s been a best friend possibly less than a year but, regardless, the best of the best. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, all that matters is that…

V-Day-D-Day

I think I lost a best friend today. Someone who became an unexpected best friend and yet potentially one of the best and all I've learnt is that our friendship was a lie. Happy Valentine's Day Len! Another bad one for the storybook. Genuinely cannot say I've had a good Valentine's Day ever. We would…

Shit Happens

I know I did nothing wrong. I know that sometimes you simply aren't going to be the right person for someone but god, do I feel like a fool. Last night I wished I could say with conviction that it was his loss and yet I couldn't. His words have been such a contradiction to…

Parenting the Parents

  16 hours. 960 minutes. 57600 seconds is all it took for him to fuck up. Yet again. As always. Once more the man messed up. His actions have hurt me more than ever before. I hate how much he's hurt my entire family. I resent the pressure I have had to cope with to hold…

Christmas at Southwark Bridge Road

I love Christmas and I don't think I could possibly even begin to explain just how much I love it. I genuinely feel it is simply such a happy time of year albeit equally as stressful. I happily nominated myself to cook Christmas dinner for our house. I always find it ironic that the girl…