A Touch of Rain

Hunger Battles

I don’t remember exactly when eating three moderately sized meals became the wrong thing to do.

When did eating regularly become such a foreign habit?

My specially picked, hand drawn up weekly food plans seem to take a lifetime to plan and sticking to them feels like I’m trying to swim through mud Monday to Sunday.

I know I’ve picked healthy balanced meals but when it comes to meal times, I’m simply not hungry.

I don’t feel a hunger pain that I’m deliberately ignoring but I just feel nothing. In fact, I spend most of the week feeling full, contrary to the reality of what I’m actually eating.

I did it though, I followed the plan and ate at the times I was supposed to. The exact meal I had committed to preparing and despite not feeling hungry, I ate.

I ate because deep down I knew I was supposed to.

But friday was tough. I got to friday morning and after crying at most meal times for eating when I didn’t feel hungry, I woke up starving.

And I mean starving.

And as my hunger started to wake up I started to panic for an opposite reason.

I spent my week scared because I was eating without feeling that hunger pain and now I was panicking because I finally felt that hunger pain telling me that I should eat.

I’ve spent so many years, more than a third of my life, convinced hunger was the enemy. I spent those years believing that ignoring the hunger made me strong.

A constant battle of second-guessing whether I am hungry or not.

A battle of, am I actually hungry? Surely that hunger pain means I’m greedy. Ignoring it will make me stronger….turns into the next battle of, I don’t feel hungry so why would I eat? Am I being weak for eating when I don’t feel hungry? 

A battle that seems to want to spiral out of control. But I’ve managed to keep it under control this week, even though there were a few bumps along the way.

Simply because there isn’t a hunger pang doesn’t mean my body doesn’t need nourishment…

I’m proud of this week. I purged once but otherwise stuck to my plans despite the fear.

I’ll be speaking to my old therapist over the phone in a couple of days. A call that has been organised due to my recent relapse. We’ll be discussing the big question of whether or not I should start seeing a new therapist down here. Part of me think that means I’ve failed. Part of me is scared to open up from scratch. Part of me thinks it could be good to have that professional support here when I need it.

A lot of things to think about this weekend but a lot of positive actions to praise myself for too.

Happy weekend x

2 thoughts on “Hunger Battles”

  1. omg your slippers look so cute and cosy! I’m doing three meals/three snacks a day at the moment and struggling with those same issues around feeling hungry/not feeling hungry and then panicking either way. I’ve been through this before though and know that it will settle down and then things will get peaceful!! Argh we have to hang in there even though it is tough. YES! so good to hear you say that about eating and going through with the meal plan in spite of how you feel xo me too! It’s disorientating and confusing but it is the only sure way to get back to stability and to calm that frightened panicked place in me that the eating disorder bullies and abuses. Your feelings are understandable around going back to therapy but although I’m not working with anyone at the moment myself (I’m on a break from my treatment team to try and develop some independence!!!) I really think allowing yourself to need help and ask for it is a vital and valuable part of the recover experience. Self-denial is such a tricky thing to catch sometimes and I think is helpful to have a person to vent to and to keep accountable with, would you agree? best of luck with it, high-fives from me on the good times and sending you support for the tough times xo Em

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha thank you! They’re bunny rabbits with ears and tail to match 😂😂
      Thanks for sharing, I forget how much relating to people, even online, helps.
      I’ve basically planned 3 meals a day with a couple of treats with a ‘cheat meal’ on a Saturday afternoon/evening. You’re right though, the fact I have someone planning them with me makes me feel ‘accountable’ and tbh helps me to stick to them because if I text to say I don’t want to eat, he’ll encourage me to stick to the plan and make X for dinner.
      I’m scared about potentially going back for treatment. There’s a part of me that thinks I’m ‘maintaining’ my mental health in a way and perhaps I just need to occasional ‘check up’. Although sometimes the idea of having a professional there is comforting because life in general, it’s tough and maybe the support would help. Really happy I’m talking to my old therapist first though! Catching that self-denial took some guts and a while to get through but I’m glad I did. Plenty of high fives back!! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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